best fucked up true story of all time

so i graduated highschool in uhmmm 95 and had 2 whole months of just cheeeellliinnnn before i went in the military.....gettin drunk partyin yah know yah know

after that i join the army go into basic training
allllllllll through basic training they made us fear for our live telling us how bad bosnia was and all the while making it seem like they would cut off training earlier cause they may need us so bad. im talkin ilke worse than vietnam scaring the shit out of us, not guna lie i was terrified din wanna go to bosnia. they woke us up at 4 a.m. once yelling pack youre shit were bout to get on the bus gota go to bosnia. and were all like mannnn i don wanna fuckin die thatd just suck. dudes were cryin and everything not like tears and shit but legitly scared and bitchin a lil, so were all sittin at the bus packed ready to get shiped to bosnia and the camp guys say if any one thinks there not ready for this just step out. they step out and have to start pushin the ground they tell every one else go put ur shit up go back to bed.

so anyways, we finish boot camp and they send me to germany in november. right when we get there theres some dudes that are being sent off to bosnia and they make us stay cuz there like weve been training for year and a half yall arent ready welllll christmas comes around and there like we need yall in bosnia.....................shit.......I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. first christmas away from my family right outa highschool in a dif country i mean shit.

so the last night we all get to go out were all thinkin were guna die....i was guna get me some trim. we head out to a club about 20 mins away from base. and were drinkin goin overboard allll night WE ALL THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DIE! just so happened this club had this little both set up in it that night where you would throw a ball and knock over pins theyed give you a ticket and you could get free shots of tequila .i duno i guess they had a over stock of tequila or somethin. but every one i mean everyone is going through this over and over and over . getting trashed.WE THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DIEEEE.

so any ways at the end of this line theres this girl pushin easy a good duece and a half i mean a big girl,german native, blonde hair tight jeanss, and tight tight red shirt on she look like a frigin apple. so this girl asks every body i mean evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyybody after they come out of the line if they wana get her a shot with their ticket. i keep goin through the line kockin the pins over and keep sayin no then end of the night rolls around and the clubs closin im pretttttttttyyyyy wasted at the time and i have ten tickets no way i can have all these to my self so the apple comes up and says you wannna get me a drink so im like fuck it comon. she asks if i wanna race five a peice i say fuck it lets do this. finish the shots and she say you wanna come back to my apt with me and my roomate for the after party (its 6 am) i say who's youre roomate? she points to a very beautiful petite blonde haired german girl im like hellllllllllllllllllll yeah i do! but im with my buddy can he come to? the apple says no just you so im thinkin hmmmmmm threesome with this giant redapple( I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!) and her hot roomate. so i bail on my budy and go back to these two german girls apt thinkin fuck it i just came to this country a month ago i dont know my way around but im going to bosnia im prolly guna die ill figure it out when it gets time.


we at their apt sitting on the couch talking and the hot girl pulls the yawwwwwnnnnnn im tierd i think ima go to bed so she goes to bed im stuck on the couch with the giant red apple........................................fuck im pretttty damn drunk but im not that drunk . she asks do you want something to drink? i say YESSSSSSSSSS! she brings out some liquor and i say wheres the shot glass and she drinks straight from the bottle says we dont use shot glasses so i yank that shit away and try and chug as much as i possibly can im think im guna die in bosnia at least ill get to drink before. i take one last chug and the giant red apple starts kissing my neck i finish the chug lean forward to set the drink down and at that moment decided ok fuck it ill do this( I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE) i lean back to start doin the dead and fuck me .........the sec i decide ill do this shit she passses out cold... i mean cold snoring alll that shit.... im like helllllllllllll nah start slappin her not like hits but like tryin to get this fat bitch to wake the fuck up. shes out colddddddddddddd by this time its right around 7 a.m. i think and im in a strange country strange town with a fatty passed out in front of me ( I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!) so im like fuck this ................................ima tity fuck her...... its not rape cuz i din do any thing down there k! so i start to try and get her shirt off but this bitch weighs more than i do i cant even get her to budge to get it off so i just pull it over her head and wen i start we her belly came out it was like that robin williams movie flubber all over the place..... then onto the brah.....which happend to be red as well lol. try and undo that.....its not happenin she weighs like 250 lbs! so i just yank the front down btw if i cant stress enough i am wasted and beleive i am going to die in the next week. then i realize i have no fucking lotion....SHITaaahhhhh soooo i go to the bath room find some industrial sized lotion im talkin like mega costco size shit with the little squirter on top go back out and start doin little lotion pumps all over her gigantic fatty titts then say fuck it twist the top off dumb liek have that industrial sized lotion out on the huges bitches tits and start goin to town on em takes for ever but i finally finish and ................decided to finish alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll over her face i take a step back look wut ive done and start laughing histerically. i take a look out side its around 8 now and i need to figure out where i am at so i clean my self up and start for the door and see their tv........its a nice damn tv and i was sure icould carry that thing and the apple is passed out and so is her roomate obviously.i go to grab it and i swear that thing was bolted down so i go tiered gave up and got distracted and went to the kitchen....made a sandwich and left.